Hossenfeffer

Jenezuela… too soon?

Jreenland… wait for it… wait for it…

I go to see the same guy every time. Have done for years. We talk a bit, but we don’t need to. He knows what I want and cracks on.

My barber and I do a joke every time about how he’s going to shave ‘twat’ on the back of my head some time.

This is not a full English due to the following issues or errors:

• Fried eggs are ideal, poached acceptable, and some oddballs like scrambled. Boiled egg is not acceptable. There should be two eggs as standard, more if the breakfast is a ‘large’.
• It’s missing baked beans, which should have been simmered until the sauce thickens into a syrup.
• While cafes love to serve this kind of tomato that’s only because it’s easy to keep a pot of chopped, tinned tomatoes warm. If you’re going tinned, they should be good quality whole plum tomatoes. But well-grilled fresh tomatoes are preferable. No cherries. No vine attached. Definitely no raw tomato.
• It’s missing the black pudding which elevates the humble fry-up into the glory that is a proper full English.
• Experienced afficionados of the full English almost all prefer cooked sausages over raw ones.
• The mushrooms look like they came in a tin. Ideally whole field or chestnut mushrooms shoud be used.
• There seems to be a lack of hot buttered toast (with optional marmelade).

There is hearty debate amongst the governing body of the full English about whether or not hash browns are acceptable on a breakfast. Many declare them to be unwanted compared to, for example, bubble and squeak or a tattie scone, or even fried potatoes, or a fried slice for that matter. They go further and label them ‘trash browns’, ‘American nonsense’, or just ‘shite’. Personally I don’t mind them, and consider them to be an optional addition, but not a core requirement of the full English. There are many other optional additions, not to mention regional specialities which render an Ulster fry very different to a full Welsh or a full Scottish. Hogs pudding, white pudding, fruit pudding, haggis, Lorne sausage, potato farl, soda bread, laverbread, kidneys, etc.

There is also a hugely spirited disagreement over the serving of baked beans. There are, by-and-large, three schools of thought with regards the beans (not counting those poor,deluded fools who don’t like them). Firstly there’s the ‘put the beans in a pot’ faction who are scared of bean juice contaminating other ingredients. Secondly there are those who eschew the ramekin, considering them to be one of the ultimate signs of pretention. They insist that the beans should be on the plate, but segregated from the other ingredients by a barrier of sausages. Lastly, there is the sane and balanced group who believe that the beans should be put on the plate with no barrier, ideally in the middle. This group of illuminated Full Monty enjoyers recognise that the mixing of bean juice, tomato juice, and egg yolk forms the most perfect gravy of the gods. I, myself, am in the latter camp.

I am available for for keynote speeches on the subject should anyone be organising a full English conference.